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Quotes: Season One

House: "Treating illness is why we became doctors. Treating patients is actually what makes most doctors miserable."

House: "Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair."
Patient: "What?!"
House: "You're orange, you moron. And it's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention."

House: "How are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home."
Cuddy: "No you couldn't."
House: "Nice."

Patient's Mother: "Who are you?"
House: "I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification. It's a beautiful thing."

House: "Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit chat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning. This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? Okay. Well I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind."

House: "I assume 'minimal at best' is your stiff upper lip British way of saying 'no chance in hell.'"
Chase: "Actually, I'm Australian."
House: "You put the Queen on your money, you're British."

House: "I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce."

House: "Like I always say, there's no 'I' in team. There's a 'me,' though, if you jumble it up."

House: "That paralysis thing. Guy can't walk for two years, nobody knows why. It seems mildly interesting."
Cuddy: "Forget his paralysis."
House: "Tell that to the rest of his bowling team."

Foreman: "You assaulted that man!"
House: "Fine. I'll never do it again."
Foreman: "Yes you will."
House: "All the more reason this debate is pointless."

House: "You always trust me. It's a big mistake."

Cuddy: "You know, there are other ways to manage pain."
House: "Like what? Laughter? Meditation? You got a guy that can fix my third chakra?"

Cameron: "If it's cancer, he can't pitch again. If this was a regular guy who broke his arm lifting a box you'd pack him up and send him home."
House: "My God, you're right. I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in, we're on it like stink on cheese."

House: "Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts, they're trading brains."

Chase: "How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House: "I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life."

Cuddy: "Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing..."
House: "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia..noo-mania...?"

Wilson: "She was uncomfortable doing any more tests. I had to convince her just to do that one."
House: "You get that often? Women who'd rather die than get naked with you?"

Wilson: "And a very bad omen for you. There's not much money in curing African sleeping sickness."
House: "No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator of blood, boys choirs, those are bad omens. This is much more mundane... a billionaire who wants to get laid."

House: "She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Had three assistants and fifteen VPs check out who should be treating her. Who the man? I the man. I always suspected."

Cuddy: "I need you to wear your lab coat."
House: "I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age."

House: "Haven't done the MUGA."
Wilson: "Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?"
House: "Got my aura read today. Said someone close to me had a broken heart."

Bill: "His name's Joey. He's my only brother."
House: "He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him. We'll use the real medicine."

House: [to Cuddy] "Jail. You'd like that. No more naughty schoolgirl. Conjugal visit... that's her new fantasy."

Chase: "You can trust me."
House: "The problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks, you've been a big help."

House: "He's a 30-year old mobster. He doesn't have a job that results in accidental exposure to toxins. He has a job that results in intentional exposure to toxins. Someone's poisoned him."

House: "Your brother has Ornithine Transcarbamylase Deficiency. You want me to write it down? Good, because it takes awhile.

Wilson: "The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor's extremely large. At least thirty pounds."
House: "It's actually a personal record for this clinic."

Patient: "I'll have a huge scar. I won't be able to wear a bikini."
House: "You wear a bikini now?"
Patient: "Yeah, you have a problem with that?"
House: "No, but I've never gone swimming with you."

House: "Have you ever seen an infected pierced scrotum?"

Cuddy: "In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him."
House: "Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved."

Chase: "House never gives speeches."
House: "But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here."

House: "By rush, I meant fast. Stat's the word you doctors use, right?

House: "Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."

House: "You are the most naive atheist I've ever met."

House: "Sorry. Up late. Internet porn."
Chase: "Why aren't you in your office?"
House: "There's a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off."

House: "Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you, she's only got thighs for me."

House: "She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink."

Cuddy: "Dr. House! Need you here."
House: "No thanks. Lotta sick people. I might catch something."

Cuddy: "You. In the lobby. Now."
House: "I hurt my leg. I have a note."

Cuddy: "I'm working. I got hot. Stop acting like a thirteen year old."
House: "Sorry. It's just you don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine."

Foreman: "Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently."
House: "Way ahead of you. I got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are going to get all the way down."

House: "Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check."

House: "Ramona, you naughty girl. Either you've got yourself an 18-year old boyfriend or an 80-year old with little blue pills."

House: "The great thing about telling somebody they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."

Cuddy: "Dr. Reilly is throwing up. He obviously can't lecture."
House: "You witness the spew? Or you just have his word for it? I think I'm coming down with a little bit of the clap. May have to go home for a few days."

House: "On average, drug addicts are stupid."

Cameron: "Previous tests revealed nothing that could've caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings."
House: "Then we're done. Ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys."

House: [to Mark] "We should do things. Throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff."

Quotes: Season Two

Stacy: "If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?"
House: "I don't want you working right here. In my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine, it's a really big hospital."

House: "What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?"

House: "Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences Unit. She's trying to impress her new sex-retary."

House: "Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch."

Chase: "If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex."
House: "Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth."

House: [to Cuddy] "Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?"

House: "Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."

House: "I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."

House: [to Cuddy] "If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit."

House: "Welcome aboard the good ship ass kisser. Nice day for a sail."

House: "You ever notice all of the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa... can't think of any others. They all die alone. Men, on the other hand, get so much tang it's crazy."

Cameron: "Who was that?"
House: "Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?"

Foreman: "You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis."
House: "Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right."

House: "You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor."

House: "What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short-shorts?"

House: "Dying people lie too. Wish they'd worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don't save it for a sound bite."

House: "One caveat. I've now moved past threesomes, I'm into foursomes."

Stacy: "Where's Chase?"
House: "He's too busy to service you until after work. I've got a few minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, 'What'll we do with the time left over?'"

House: "What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know."

Foreman: "She a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a nine-to-five and going to PTA meetings."
House: "I was there and I have a nine-to-three job."

House: "Sorry, I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head."

Wilson: "Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?"
House: "They recharge? I just keep buying new phones."

Chase: "We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine."
House: "I teach you to lie, cheat and steal and the second my back is turned you wait in line?"

House: [to Wilson] "Wow. It's a big jump from 'Infidelity is wrong' to 'Do her.'"

House: "Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills."

Cameron: "Could pain medication cause an orgasm?"
House: "I wish."

Doctor: "You can't test anything on an abnormal brain."
House: "That's so close-minded, He's not 'abnormal.' He's special."

Cameron: "What are you looking for?"
House: "Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return in investment."

House: "Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool."

Wilson: "How'd you get here?"
House: "By osmosis."

House: "Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win."

Foreman: "His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left."
House: "Cool."

House: [to Wilson] "Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized."

House: "Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... sklungs?"

House: "Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Think of all the places I can make Foreman search."

House: "Only one way to confirm this, inject the rat with her blood and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime, I'm going downstairs to browbeat a scared, dying teenage girl until she breaks down like a scared, dying teenage girl."

House: "Heart transplant. Immune system's in the toilet, Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble."

House: [to Chase] "Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figure after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night."

House: "No, let them watch. I do my best work on the big stage."

House: "The parents are mad because their kid is dying. It's understandable. If he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore."

House: "Gotta hand it to Foreman, though. He knew you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both."

House: "I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species."

House: "No, if you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic."

House: "It's either that or I start going to church every Sunday. And that'd mess with my bowling league."

House: [to Wilson] "Cuddy said you should do it. You've got a gift. People thank you for telling them they're going to die."

House: "Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far."

House: "Everybody's great when they're half-dead."

Wilson: "You're accessing a webcam?"
House: "Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?"

House: "You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."

House: "Ideas are not soda cans. Recycling sucks."

House: "Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."

House: "I ask you, is almost dying any excuse for not being fun?"

Patient: "I could've stopped. I didn't have to listen to those voices."
House: "Spoken like a true sane person."

House: "I'm a really good secret keeper. I've never told anybody Wilson wets his bed."

House: "Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just because they haven't found the gene yet..."

House: "Where are you going?"
Foreman: "You're an ass."
House: "I know. Where are you going?"

House: "I always say if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."

Patient: "I don't want to hear semantics."
House: "You anti-semantic bastard."

Quotes: Season Three

House: "Oh, I stuck that primo! How rad am I?"

Cuddy: "Why did you?"
House: "Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?"

Cameron: "You're lucky he didn't die."
House: "I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die."

House: "Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head."

House: "Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics."

House: "The kid is having nightmares. Only happen at night. It's right there in the name."

House: "She was being metaphorical. She was trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."

House: "Take this four times a day. And stay off airplanes. They're flying cesspools."

House: "I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him, you're mad."

House: "I'm a cripple, remember? Accommodations must be made."

Foreman: "I had a date last night. She screamed, too. You think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"

House: "Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel."

House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."

House: "Sorry. I already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots."

House: "You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty."

House: "Twenty-year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often."

House: "Kids these days. Got no respect for other people's property."

House: "It's probably her mom. I bet she's huge. She is from the Midwest. Since when do you eat beets?"

House: "Everything's conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."

House: "There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry."

House: "Quick, what's the status? I gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the orgasmatron."

House: "Deep inside, Wilson believes that if he cares enough, he'll never have to die."

Cameron: "You okay?"
House: "Hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football."

House: [to Cuddy] "Okay, fine. I'll father your child. But first you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay."

House: "If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills."

House: "This thing won me second place in the clinic's weekly 'weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice' contest."

Tritter: "Merry Christmas."
House: "Happy go to hell."

House: "Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues?"

House: "I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."

House: "If you called to see the design of my prison tats, they're still at R & D."

House: "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."

House: "Thanks, I was running short on platitudes. You can leave now."

House: "I told you never to call me when I'm on trial."

House: "The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief."

House: "Hey, you can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair."

House: "You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack."

Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought you were going to kiss me."

House: "You've never seen an after school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?"

House: "If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."

House: [to Cuddy] "Could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."

House: [to Cuddy] "Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra!"

House: "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."

House: "Just because it's inexplicted doesn't mean it's inexplicable."

House: "Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?"

House: [to Chase] "If you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything you can't finish."

House: "I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."

House: "Better be careful. I have a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it."

House: "Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty."

House: "No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her love rug."

House: "Even fetuses lie."

House: [to Cuddy] "It may have been short, but it had girth."

House: "Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking forward to landing this puppy myself."

House: "Happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. Now, it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?"

House: "Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life. Apparently worth $186."

House: "I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me, 'Not twenty-five.'"

House: [to Cuddy] "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?"

House: "Never is just reven spelled backwards."

House: "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"

House: "Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult."

House: "The only value of that trust is that you can use it to manipulate them."

House: [to Foreman] "Ha! Nothing like a dead patient to send you back to your choir boy roots."

House: "That was awesome! I gotta start pretending to care."

House: "Personally, I can't believe I had the same three employees for three years."

Wilson: "Oh God, she's 26."
House: "But with the wisdom of a much younger woman."

House: "He can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can he, Foreman?"

House: [to Cuddy] "You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn on."

House: "The kid's not a cliché. Anybody can get in a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat."

House: [to Patient] "Arrogance has to be earned. Tell me what you've done to earn yours."

House: "I'm world famous now. Press won't leave me alone."

House: [to Cuddy] "Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?"

House: "The patient's husband prefers her not dead."

House: "How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?"

Quotes: Season Four

Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."

House: "I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."

House: "Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?"

House: "Are you a fan of symmetry?"
Doctor: "Sure."
House: "Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts."

House: "By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup."

Patient: "I'm a Captain in the Air Force, about to start a new assignment. NASA's astronaut training program."
House: "I discovered salt and created FM radio."

House: "Stop it! This argument's distracting every male and lesbian here."

House: "Paging me during Judge Judy... not a good way to win my affections."

House: "Luckily violence isn't the last resort. Extortion is."

House: "Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people."

House: "It's a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude. She'll be fine. It is a myth, isn't it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind."

House: "The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it."

House: "I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they're already fired."

House: "If your organs dangle, you're the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the yanks."

House: [to Cuddy] "I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen that closely."

House: "I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin... that guy never had a chance."

House: "Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one, just one truck comes and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled."

House: [to Amber] "Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I'd never hear the end of it."

House: "I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits."

House: "Don't think of it as digging up a body. Think of it as keeping another one from getting buried."

Cuddy: "The doctor's lounge is covered in mud."
House: "Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello."

House: "Does my breath smell bated to you?"

House: "The only way he could turn any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants."

House: "So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?"

House: "Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn't thinking straight."

House: "Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy."

House: "Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals and immune system's the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it'll make us both happy."

House: "So now you've electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication."

House: "Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle."

House: "If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they'd better be working their way through college."

House: "My malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies."

House: "Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse's lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous."

House: [to Wilson] "You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but..."

House: "My friends call me 'The Cane', even before I messed up my leg."

House: "Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?"

House: "My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors."

House: "I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams."

House: "If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession, and the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he's just another really, really, ugly kid."

House: "Just a warning. If we have to start getting 'consent' every time we do a procedure, soon it'll be 'informed consent' they'll want."

House: "You think your dad wants to kill you because you're so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth."

House: "You have to leave work by 6 p.m., but you make time for man dates?"

House: "I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy."

House: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but that's not going to help with this particular trick..."

House: [to Cuddy] "Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD."

House: "I noticed a trend. If no one does anything, sick people often get sicker."

House: "You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds."

House: "There's something freeing about being a loser, isn't there?"

House: "Doctor Cuddy! The face that launched a thousand long faces."

House: "Pretty sure there's no irony-body connection. But it'd be ironic if there was."

House: "I've heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV."

House: "Who told you it'd be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?"

House: "He lied. Homie knows better, Hymie doesn't care, and Huntington's would have done a better job."
Foreman: "Why would you..."
House: "Because I got sued when I called you Honeybuns."

House: "This is going to be difficult. I know almost nothing of alien physiology."

House: "Lies are like children. They're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them."

House: "The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year."

House: "Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole."

House: "I remembered I'm not a Satanist. I'm a druid."

House: "Slippery slope. Today we withhold porn, tomorrow it's clean bandages."

House: "I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons."

House: "Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?"

House: "Your theory is I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that's what love is, I don't want anything to do with it."

House: [to Wilson] "You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying, is she?"

Amber: "And I call you Greg because we are now social equals."
House: "And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am."

House: [to Wilson] "This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality! You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... Oh my God. You're sleeping with me."

House: [to Chase] "I didn't invite you to be nice. I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves."

Wilson: [to Amber] "No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation. Swap your lubricant with super glue."
House: "The man knows me."

House: "Thank you for saving me from being righteoused to death."

Amber: [to Wilson] "Have fun on your play date. You've got mommy's number, right?"
House: "Daddy needs a drink."

Cuddy: "A disturbingly large proportion of your comments are either racist or sexist."
House: "That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute ...would be an example of that."

House: "I like Cuddy. Or parts of her."

House: "When you think about it, the more I mock you the more it shows I have respect for you."
Foreman: "Or you made up that b.s. because you like humiliating me."
House: "Wouldn't rule that out completely."

House: "Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail."

House: "It's a pretty simple string of logic, actually. You make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."

House: "So, syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies."

House: "I kidnapped you and you're surprised that I lied to you?"

Foreman: "You kidnapped him?"
House: "It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you."

House: [to Cameron] "I let the crap pile up, then I see which team member is the most self-flagellating; breaks down and clears up the mess. The surprise was it turned out to be you... Again. You weren't even registered as a competitor."

House: "Confirmation is for wimps and alter boys."

House: [to Wilson] "Pack your manhood on ice; maybe the hospital can re-attach it."

House: "This is a whole new experience in super hi-def. I had no idea Marie wore an under wire."

House: "As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like... Can't think of any."

House: "I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got MADD!"

House: "I need time for my brain to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey."

Patient: "You're kidding, right?"
House: "If I was kidding, I'd be dressed like you."

Cameron: "You're staying the night. We need to monitor your brain for swelling."
House: "How much bigger could it get?"

Cuddy: "You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?"
House: "Don't blame me, blame my gender."

Wilson: "What are you running away from?"
House: "When I'm drinking without you, what am I running away from? Hmmm, one of those imponderables."

House: "The other nurse always used to tuck me in."
Cuddy: "I'll be on the couch ...with a shotgun on my lap."

Taub: "I need to know if there's anything medically relevant that you couldn't share publicly?"
House: "Is this a philanderer's anonymous intervention?"

House: "An incredibly rare neurological symptom is boring? Am I in someone else's hallucination?"

Doctor: "Her heart won't stop racing, no idea what's causing it."
House: "Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?"

Amber: "Self-pity isn't like you."
House: "No, well, I'm branching out from self-loathing and self-destruction."

House: "I had a heart attack this morning, can't do any more drugs till lunch."

House: "A blow-up doll would be more useful. And yes, that's the first time I've ever implied something negative about a blow-up doll."

Thirteen: "Maybe it's an allergic reaction to the interferon."
House: "Yes, the symptom that I saw on the bus was a rare interferon allergy that flares up two days before you take it."

Kutner: "What did House have to say?"
Thirteen: "He told me I was raised by wolves and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife."